


Hearts That Heal

by HelluvaWriter



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-05 05:02:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5362394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelluvaWriter/pseuds/HelluvaWriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SIany is a spirit healer in the inquisition. Now she has to navigate a world completely foreign to her.    She will have to deal with  pain caused in the circle while learning how to actually make  friends and live a life filled with joy instead of fear.  I have to believe she will fall for one grumpy bear warden!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A thank you to Sharilin who pointed out that the formating had not come across and there was no differentiation between conversation and thoughts. I think I fixed it all and I'm sorry for the confusing prose :)

Haven was cold. It was not like Siany had never seen snow before but after twenty years in the tower she was used to thick walls and warm fires when it happened. She could be in Redcliff with the rest of the rebel mages. Then Anwell with his bright eyes and warm smile had to convince her  
“come on sis, the children are all safe, you really want to miss history in the making” the spark in his eyes, he read too many books, thought adventure would be fun and exciting.

“No, History belongs in the past. Whats happening now is war and pain. I just want to help people. Here are children that need instruction, sick that need healing and debates that will need a level head. Stay here with me, help the people here. Your are a personality someone people look to” She had begged but he wanted to be in the center of it all. 

“ Please, don’t make me go alone. I became a Templar just to stay with my favorite big sister” His eyes were wide with fake tears. It was true that right after she was transferred to Markham to study with a spirit healer, he arrived and proceeded to beg, plead, cajole and otherwise bother the templars until they allowed him to join. It was his trump card, he only played it when he was desperate because he knew she felt guilty about his leaving home.

They left all the children they had saved from Markham in Redcliff, twenty apprentices under the age of fiftee. She had promised to protect but she left them, only to find a small Chantry surrounded by ramshackle buildings filled with sick and injured hoping for cures from Andraste. Haven was overrun and was not organized enough for the sisters to handle the influx of people coming for the Conclave who became injured or sick on their journey. They had gladly accepted her help when she offered it. 

Sianys mother was a surgeon back in Starkhaven. All she wanted was to be like her mother then at eight her magic manifested and she was dragged off the circle. She hadn't given up . she trained in healing, read every book she could about anatomy, herbs, even surgery. It saved her from being sent to Kirkwall when the Starkhaven chantry was burnt. Luckily for her she had transferred to Markham a year previous.

Now she stood in ankle deep snow healing a child with a severely broken leg. They were about to go up the mountain when the distressed mother had come running, begging for help. Her son had fallen down a cliff and was badly injured. Anwell, with no talent for healing, had gone ahead and she went to help the child.

The boy screamed in pain, writhing on the ground. His thigh bone stuck jaggedly from his leg, starkly white against the rent bleeding flesh around it.

“I will have to reset the bone before I can heal him and we must be quick he has already lost so much blood. Please try and hold him still” Siany tried to sound calm and reassuring as the parents were clearly and rightfully panicking

“I’m sorry little one. this is going to hurt” Siany took the boy's leg into her hands and carefully guided the bone back in trying to line it back up as closely as possible to the piece still in his leg. The boy cried out but the parents held strong. Siany then cast her her healing, spell the wound closed and the boy passed out. 

“I have done what I can, we need to get him back to Haven so I can monitor him.” The father lifted the boy and Siany stood to go back with them. 

The world exploded. 

 

It had been weeks since the explosion at the temple had killed so many, including the divine, including Anwelll. Ash fell from the sky as waves of injured flooded the small chantry. Shock kept her there at first. Then she stayed out of hope. Any day she was sure that his smiling face would enter her tent. Then a man that was once a prisoner and a villain stopped the breach from spreading and she awoke one morning a member of the inquisition. The full weight and force of it dragged her along. The simple act of being there had somehow lead to her being unofficially in charge of the healers. She hated it. People talked to her, looked to her, expected her to know what to do. Every night she collapesed onto a hard cot in a cold tent wishing she had just stayed in redcliff.

This day was no better. She was awake before sunrise to the sounds of screaming  
“Enchanter there is an emergency, come quickly”  
There was always another emergency she had slept in her clothes for warmth so all she did was quickly pull her hair into a braid and head into the cold pre-dawn morning.

This turned out to be an actual emergency. It broke her heart. Some over zealous soldiers, still working off a late night drink, had made some passes at a young mage. She was new to the camp, no one knew her. No one had a chance to warn her of the dangers of being near the breach. The soldiers probably didn’t intend any real harm but she grew so afraid; alone, surrounded by drunk men, so close to the breach. She had turned letting the rage and fear overwhelm her. Several soldiers were dead many more badly burnt and injured before the demon was taken down. 

Siany stood in the in front of the main entrance into Haven directing injured and healers, calming mages that were certain this would lead to some sort of retribution and all in all just trying to keep everything from spiraling out of control. The commander stood nearby keeping templars and soldiers calm and keeping passersby and and onlookers from gawking at the mess of blood and ash that stained the snow. The worst of the injured could not be moved. Tents had been placed over them and in between calming people down, sending runners for potions from Adan and actually healing she had lost track of how much time had passed. She stepped out from a tent surprised at how bright the light was, the sun hanging high in the sky

“Healer, Healer!” It was the Herald. He must have returned from the Hinterlands while she was busy working on the burn victims. Javier Trevelyan, he was not a bad man by any stretch but he was exuberant. A life of privilege had made him think that all things in the world were shiny and happy and ready to respond to his every command. He was tall and handsome and didn’t know her name 

“Great healer you're here. I recruited this Grey Warden to the Inquisition and then he saved my life during a surprise attack by some of those rogue templars. Solas healed him up but he still seems stiff and you have that massage thing you can do and I have been telling him all about, right Blackwall” He turned to a man that was standing behind him.  
“I haven’t introduced you! This is Warden Blackwall and this is…” The herald stop realizing he didn't actually know her name.  
She looked past the herald to the man behind him. He was broad and striking with his long dark hair and beard streaked with the beginnings of grey. his eyes were what really caught her. soft blue, kind and looking right into hers. He smiled. She swallowed a lump in her throat. He bowed his head 

“Enchanter Siany, the Herald has been very kind in his words of your skill, but it is clear your are busy here and I don’t need anything from you” His voice was deep, gentle. She stood there just staring at him not talking. Freezing up when she needed to say something was nothing new but this was different. She didn’t feel afraid, she didn’t know what she felt.

“How did you know her name?” the herald clapped the Warden on the back causing him to wince in pain

“Solas, Varric and Cassandra happen to know it” he huffed in response.

“Enchanter!” a young surgeon burst from one of the tents Siany took one more look at the man with the kind eyes then turned and dove back into the tent.


	2. A long night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siany comes to terms with the fact that she needs to find a way to actually interact with people.

Siany rubbed her eyes hoping it would push back exhaustion that haunted her every step. They had finally moved all the injured to the main healing area. Those that had not already died would make it, if she could keep infection from setting in and that was a big if. All she wanted to do was go to sleep but instead she stared at the lining of her tent wondering how she got here. Her life in the circle had led to some strange habits. At the time it had made sense, helped her stay safe and the other mages understood. Now she was out in the world with no guide and it was becoming clear that she did not know how to handle it. When she was healing and working it was fine but the moments when she had to interact with others were all wrong. The long and painful day had turned into an emotional night and she still wasn’t sure how to process it. All of it started when she decided she had to talk to Commander Cullen

She walked slowly towards her destination desperate to not go there. Even with the slow gait she found herself standing in front of the door to Commander Cullen's room. _He has never hurt you, you know there are good Templars, he’s not even a Templar any more, just knock on his door you can do this_  she raised a trembling hand as the door opened causing her squeal and jump back

“Enchanter” Cullen looked confused seeing her standing there “Can I help you with something?”

“No, ummm, yes, I mean no, you're busy” she turned to leave then stopped herself _this is important_ taking a deep breath she turned back “I’m sorry, there is something”

Cullen looked at her for a second then turned back into his office “come in and we can discuss whatever it is” she thought about running but her feet moved forward and she soon found herself with the door closed, alone, with the commander

“You did good work today, not just healing the injured but in helping to keep the mages calm. That could have turned into a much larger problem.” Cullen sat down behind a desk. “How can I help you Enchanter?”

“I am sorry for taking up your time. I just wanted to know what happened to the remains of the girl that died today.” She kept her head down and prayed she was speaking loud enough for him to hear she didn’t think she had it in her to say it again.

She forced herself to look at him. His eyes had narrowed and he studied her with an intensity that made her heart pound. “Why do you care about the remains of someone that killed five people?”

“She didn’t kill anyone, a demon killed six people, and she was the first victim” she felt her eyes begin to tear up but she wouldn’t let her fear stop her now

“She wasn’t a victim, she gave in. It was her fault” he wasn’t yelling but the growl in his voice made hair on the back of her neck stand up

“No, she was scared. Your soldiers are more to blame then she is. How is it ok for them to harass a lone woman like that? The one that survived admitted as much. You don’t know what she had experienced before that. All we know is the behavior scared her so much she was overtaken by a demon. No one knew her, we had no chance to warn her about what it’s like this close to the breach. We had no chance to let her know that she was safe here. She died because we failed her and she deserves a funeral” Siany was surprised to find herself standing even more surprised to realize she had yelled the last bit. She rose her hands to her mouth “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please don’t, please” she began to tremble.

Cullen sat wide eyed at his desk trying to take in the last few seconds. Siany watched him, wary of what he would do. He sighed running his fingers through already disheveled hair. “The remains are yours.” He leaned back into his chair the fight gone from him

“What?” She whispered

“There yours, I’ll have them brought to the healing tents for you.” He let go of another long sigh.

“Thank you” she stood to leave as she reached the door trying to get out before he changed his mind

“Enchanter, I’m not going to hurt you” there was a pain in his voice.

She looked up catching his eyes. The dark circles were worse than her own and normal sharp tawny gaze the kitchen girls swooned over looked worn and dull. She stood looking at them then said the only words that would form “Good night Commander” with that she headed out the door and ran as fast as she could into the cold night

She ran hard out the Chantry doors down the steps and stopped at the gates. The cold night air burned her lungs as she took gulping breaths. Tears poured from her eyes and he body would not stop shaking. she leaned against the worn wood trying to feel something solid. She had her eyes turned to clear night sky. “Just look for the constellations you know the constellations”

“Are you alright Enchanter?” A deep voice surprised her. It was the handsome Warden from earlier in the day. He was walking towards her in slow halting steps concerned etched on his face.

“Oh, Sir Warden, yes I’m fine. Thank you” She sounded winded and the answer clearly forced. She stood in the snow looking at him. An awkward silence fell over them as she stood there panting into the cold night _say something, say something, say something!_

“I’m sorry about earlier today, I don’t think I even said a word to you” the words came out in a rush between deep breaths. at least she was starting to calm down her chest felt less tight and breathing was slowing down.

“It’s fine, you clearly had something much more important going on” he continued to watch her. The intensity of it made her heart beat ring in her ears. “ _How do I get out of this?”_

“Good night Sir Warden” she plastered a forced smile on her face

“You can just call me Blackwall” he took another step wincing at the pain that shot through his back.

she couldn’t help herself when she saw the pain cross his face “I forgot all about your injury. I can look at it now”

“I’m sure you had a long enough of a day without bothering with an old man. This is not my first or last injury.” he lifted his arms to wave her off but the pain caused him to wince again

“Really you would be doing me a favor. I find it relaxing and it would be nice to actually help someone. Today has left me feeling, lacking.” she couldn’t believe she was trying to convince him of this when she was still half a step from full blown panic. She could not fathom leaving him in such obvious pain.

“My understanding from the talk in the tavern is you saved several lives today” the baritone of his voice was oddly soothing.

“We will see, burns are fickle injuries.” She could see him about to argue again but she knew she could never rest knowing she left someone in pain. She had tried to get over it but it was like a compulsion

“Please” she pleaded, that's all it took. He closed his mouth whatever protest he had dying on his lips

“If you insist” he turned and led her to his room.

They walked in slow silence with each step causing him clear pain.She welcomed the warmth of the room, happy that a servant had seen to lighting the fire.

“What exactly do you need me to do.” he asked

“Get as comfortable as possible. no shirt. Let me know if you need help” she leaned against the door enjoying the solid wood behind her back.

Blackwall sat on the edge of his bed and carefully removed his boots and shirt. It was a difficult process to watch. Several times she wanted to offer to help then she would think of her brother, so stubborn, he would have never wanted the help. She let him keep his pride.

“Are you cold?” the question snapped her from her memories of Amwell. She hadn’t noticed he was looking at her or that her hands were still shaking

“No, I’m...” she looked down at her shaking her hands “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” He was back to that way of looking at her that made her feel pinned in place. Why did he make her feel this way?

“I meant what I said. I do want to check your back. I am useful” she had crossed her arms hiding her shaking hands

Blackwall ran his hands through his hair “You just seem tired and upset”

“I am tired but I’m not upset.” There was no way he would believe that

“Sure people cry in the snow all the time when the feel great. You don’t have to tell me, I just don’t want you to think you are required to do this. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to”

No one had ever said that to her before “Thank you.”

“ I would never want to take advantage of you or your kindness.” his head hung low

She chuckled lightly “you are the second man to tell me something of that nature tonight”

“Did the other one lie” his voice lowered at the statement.

“No, actually” she shook her head “I’m not here for me. I’m here to help you. Why don’t you lie down and relax and I can look at your injury”

“Are you sure that’s what you want enchanter?” he locked eyes with her

“I am” she smiled, this time it didn't feel forced “and please, call me Siany”

He finally gave in and lied down.

“Let me know if my hands get to warm or if I hurt you” She situated herself next to him taking a careful look at the extensive bruising across his back. She tried to ignore the criss cross of old scares and the fine tone to his muscles, how the hair on his back felt under her hands as she gently probed around the main wound.

“I can’t imagine a small thing like you being able to hurt me” he had goose bumps forming on his skin. Maybe he was cold

“No wonder you’re so stiff. The bruising is extensive, though it looks like Solas did a wonderful job on the healing. I do think I can help though”

She place her hands on his neck heating them slightly. Slowly her thumbs began to rub gentle circles pressing slightly harder with each stroke. She moved down his neck and to his shoulders varying the pressure testing for knots and injuries. Sometimes she felt damage that could be further healed but mostly it was about working the muscles so that the tension from the sudden injury and then healing would lessen. She watched his reaction carefully, pulling back when he sucked in breath or winced or pushing harder when he groaned in pleasure Moving around the bed to get different angles she noticed his neck and shoulders tense and relax then retense.

“What's on your mind?” the calmness in her own voice surprised her

“What makes you think there is something on my mind” She watched him bunch the muscles again.

“Alright then, you don’t have to tell me. Could you at least stop tensing up your shoulders and neck? It’s making this harder” she wanted to think of another question, keep him talking. The sound of his voice was so soothing.. “Do you mind if I ask where you're from, I mean the accent is not Ferelden and the name is not Orlesian, so a Marcher?

“Yes. I’m originally from Markham” he sucked in his breath as she hit a another tender area “That was another life ago”

“Sorry” she cast another healing spell then moved to rub in a different area. “I spent some time in Markham, well in the circle I never really got to see the city”

“Really? From your accent I was certain you were from Starkhaven” he sounded genuinely interested

“I’m nobody, from nowhere” she answered involuntarily

He paused and she hoped he hadn't heard

“Siany is an odd nickname for nobody” she could feel his body tense after he said it.

Her hands stopped, she started to laugh.

“It wasn’t that funny” he almost sounded put out.

She chuckled again “It really was. It sounded like something my brother would say. Thank you. I don’t know when I last laughed.” She moved away “Do you mind standing and moving around. I want to see how much your range of motion has improved.

He stood testing his arms and back with a smile on his face. A wonderful smile that made her stomach tighten. “This may be the best I’ve felt in years.”

She had gone to lean against the wall pressing her palms into the rough service “Can your raise your arms for me?”

She was happy to find he could raise his arms and twist his torso and walk around relatively pain free. There was definitely some tightness but nothing like what he had before. She had managed to move him up days in the healing process.

“It seems I have done all I can, unless you have any other complaints?” part of her hoped he did.

“No, as I said haven’t felt this good in years. Thank you, Siany “

“You're quite welcome, Blackwall” With that she headed out the door without her cloak.

It only took about four steps for her to realize she had abruptly left without it. She turned to go back “y _ou can’t go back. He’ll think your flighty and there is no reason to bother him. get it back tomorrow”_ she turned back around “ _but it’s cold who goes out in this without their cloak”_ she just stood in the snow paralyzed about what to do.

“Healer, I think you forgot something” She turned to see him standing in the doorway.

She ran to the door her face hot “Thank you. Good night” then she went as quickly as she could to her tent.

 

Now she lay on her cot trying to make sense of it all. “ _I don’t know how to not be broken_ ” She couldn’t keep living like this. somehow the fear needed to be conquered. She also wanted to understand why Blackwall had such an odd affect on her. He made her heart race and her stomach flip. Then his voice and his eyes would ground her. She could never felt such a dizzying array of emotions. “ _One thing at a time._ “ Wardens that made her feel odd things could wait. She first had to find away to actually talk to people. “ _Varric is always nice to me. Solas is another mage. I’ll ask them tomorrow if they can help me”_ It wasn’t the perfect plan. It wasn’t even a plan but it was better than continually living in a world that she didn’t know how to move in, always one step away from panic. She had to learn how to be a person. That's what Amwell use to tell her. While in the circle she had found it annoying but now she could see he was right.


	3. Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siany tries to socialize and continues to have confusing feelings for Warden Blackwall

The sunrise had the sky and surrounding snow glowing in pink and gold. Siany took long, slow deep breaths, reminding herself that she could get through the day. She had been up before the sunrise, checking on the: blistered skin of the burn victims, looking in on a young mother with two day old baby and all the other broken limbs, cuts, and sour stomachs that fell to her care.

Now she stood on the dock to the frozen lake arguing with herself. “ _you know you have to do something. All this anxiety and fear is no way to live. The circle is dead you don’t have to live by those rules anymore”_ she took a deep breath “ _Why should I change for everyone else. I heal them, now I have to also play nice for them. I don’t want to eat breakfast with everyone. I’m not safe.”_ Another breath out “ _I’m not doing it for everyone else, I’m doing it for me and I’m not changing who I am I’m becoming who I want be. I’m not letting the things that happened to me define me. Maker I sound like Amwell”_

Lost in her thoughts she didn't hear the crunch on the snow or notice some one approach until his voice broke her concentration

“Good Morning Enchanter”

She jumped then scolded herself for jumping “Commander! Good Morning” Normally he looked confused whenever she was forced to interact with him but this time he held the same pain from last night. Realizing she as looking at his face she looked at her feet then back up at him forcing herself to try. She was very pleased that she held her gaze to his chest

his hand raised to his head she heard him sigh. “I don’t normally see you out here this early”

“I’m going to have breakfast in the chantry today with everyone else” she could see a warped version of herself in his armour and was not happy to see that she was blushing.

“I was not aware that was something you did?”

“It’s not. Which is the point.” She forced herself to look at him “I don’t want to be…” she stopped, _why am i telling him this_? “Well ok then” and she turned to head into the gates of Haven _“That was not good_ ”

She hurried through the gates “alright, that was not the best start but you can do this you can…”

“giving yourself a pep talk there healer” Siany literally screamed as Varric came up next to her

“Why do people keep sneaking up on me!” she yelled

Varric laughed “What are you getting yourself all worked up for anyway”

Siany straightened her dress, cleared her throat, moved her belt holding all her potions and herbs then remembered she should probably answer. “Can I have breakfast with you today?”

“Please tell me that was not what you’re all nervous about” Varric shook his head

_Tell him the truth, no he’ll think you're weird lie. I’m terrible at lying he will see right through it. why is this so hard?_

“I’m going to take your wide eyed silence as a yes. Come on kid let's get some eggs” He then continued to walk towards the chantry clearly expecting her to just follow.

She jogged to catch up and was about to thank him when she saw Solas coming to join

“Do you think Master Solas will join us?” She tried to whisper

“as long as you don’t call him Master. Chuckles usually joins me” she could swear there was laughter in his voice

“Chuckles?” that had to be the oddest possible nickname for the stoic elf.

“Good morning Varric, ah healer, are you to join us today?" He turned and gave her a half smile.

“Yes, if that is alright” she had always found it easier to talk to Solas then to others. He knew more about the fade than anyone she had ever met. The few moments she had found to speak with him were always enlightening.

“why would it be? I enjoy the company of those willing to and able to discuss the fade”

Varric snorted “great I always liked a side of creepy fade shit with my eggs. Maybe the hero will be there to balance it out”

“Hero?” she could never keep up with all of Varric's nicknames

Solas held open the door to the chantry. “Warden Blackwall”

Siany had never come to chantry for the meals. Tables were lined done the center and groups of people milled about waiting to get food or simply drinking coffee and complaining about the day ahead

“Do you really think he’ll be here?” she hadn’t even thought of what to do when she saw him again

“He will if he wants to eat. you know how the cook is about meal times” Varric handed her a steaming cup of tea

“I do, that’s why I always keep a pot of stew at the healing tents.” The tea was brewed too strong for her liking.

A group of templars came in laughing loudly at some unheard joke. Siany could feel her body start to shake.

“Are you alright enchanter” Solas placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. She didn’t get a chance to answer.

 

“Siany! I never see you here. Glad you left the healing tents to see the rest of us!” a young templar pushed past Solas clapping her hard on the back. He had been friends with Amwell she knew his freckled face and careless manner “you saved my friends life yesterday. Nice to Know there are some good mages around” he kept a hand on her

“I’m glad I could help” her voice was soft. Try as she might but she could not help but fall into old habits. “Can I do anything else for you?”

Varric tried to step in. “Yes we are all very impressed with the enchanters great skill, but I think we should let her get something to eat.”

“You should eat with us healer!” He pulled her close to his side a wide grin on his face.

“If that would please you” she could feel the tears in her eyes

“Let her go” The Blackwalls voice growled just behind them

“Warden?” the templar released her to turn and look at Blackwall

“It’s enchanter not healer, respect her title, and take a second to look at her, does she look like she wants to eat with you”

Siany would have prefered that he not point out her cowering stance and watery eyes

“I believe that is enough Blackwall” Solas had stepped in between her and the rest of the templars. “I think we should just allow everyone to enjoy their breakfast”

“I think you're quite right Solas” Blackwall pushed past the angry group of templars “Enchanter, would you do me the honor of sitting with me?” He bowed low.

She managed to choke out a yes

“Why don’t you to go find us good seats and we’ll get you something to eat” Varric pointed towards an empty table.

the moment she sat Siany buried her face in her arms trying to stop the tears from rolling down her face or the shaking of her body. She could feel Blackwalls presence across from her. T _hey didn’t hurt you, they will not retaliate for this. This is not the circle. Solas and Varric and Blackwall are here He was Amwells friend he never intended anything he just doesn’t know._

“Thank you” she muttered into her arms certain he wouldn’t hear

“you don’t have to thank me” his voice had the same strange effect calming and exciting. She wanted to say more but words failed and she decided to just keep her head down and her mouth shut.

She heard the sounds of Varric and Solas sitting down, of plates being placed on the table“Come on kid, you need to eat something”

Siany lifted her had to see a plate piled high with scrambled eggs. There were thick slices of sausage as well as several sweet rolls.

“That is quite a bit of food” she wiped her eyes trying to gain some semblance of control

“want to make sure you get enough, I’m sure the Warden will eat anything you don’t.” Varric shrugged and dove into his own plate

They sat sipping at tea and cider nothing but the sounds of forks scraping plates until Solas broke the silence

“May I ask you enchanter, why you were going to sit with that Templar?”

She had known it was a vain hope to think they were not going to talk about what had happened

“It’s an old habit” she hung her head “You don’t want the Templars to get mad at you. Everything is worse if they get mad” memories flashed through her mind. Her body started shaking again

“You need to learn how to stand up for yourself darling. Templars just need to be handled correctly” Lady Vivienne smoothly sat next to her. “I heard about your little moment with the templars. People look to you Enchanter Siany. You need to learn to carry yourself with more confidence”

Lady Vivienne had arrived at Haven a few days before and the influx of mages that came with her had been a great help to Siany and her overworked surgeons. Once she had everyone trained Siany thought she may even be able to leave

“Is that all?” Siany was not worried about speaking to another mage. “I have a feeling our experience in the circles were very different.”

“Well of course the were darling” Vivienne placed a hand on her shoulder “That is not the point, do you want to keep living a life afraid of men in armour? You need to stand on your own feet. There will not always be someone to step in”

SIany knew the elegant enchanter was right. The entire reason she was sitting here was that she wanted to live her life without the fear. She looked up to see Blackwall studying her. He smiled at her.

“What do I have to do?” her fists clenched. She wanted to have a life not defined by the circle, this was her chance.

The day went on to be one of the most exhausting she could remember. She had focused on healing and spirit early in her studies. now Vivienne ran her through a gamut of offensive spells trying to find what she best connected to. She probably could have just told them the story of how her magic had come they would have known it was winter but instead they worked her until her head ached and her body burned. The only breaks they took were to allow her to check on her patients, then lecture her on the game or her technique. It was like being a novice at the tower again only this time there were comforting guiding hands. Vivienne was never mean but she was exacting and demanding.

“You have allowed yourself to grow sloppy, Again” Vivienne's hands guided her feet further apart changed her grip on the staff.

“I don’t see how this will help.” Siany huffed

“You need to be comfortable with yourself, with your magic. You need to know that you have the ability. You cast any spell not for healing or protection like you're afraid of what will happen.” Vivienne pulled Sianys shoulders back “Now try again”

the long day had left her feeling empty. She sat on the dock the far side from Haven pulling wisps from the fade. It was one of the first thing she had learned when her talent for spirit magic was discovered. It had been some time since she had sat and done this. She turned to the sound of crunching snow behind her.

“I’m sorry to bother you, I just notice you didn’t come to diner and I wanted to make sure you were all right” Blackwall walked forward holding a bowl in his hand. “I also brought you some soup” He sat next to her handing her the bowl “I’m sorry, it’s probably cold”

“This is one of those times that being a mage is very helpful” It took nothing for her to heat the soup to steaming. The smell of fish and potatoes and cream made her stomach growl “Thank you, I needed this more then I realized.”

They sat in silence Siany enjoying the rich soup; Blackwall sitting straight, arms crossed looking across the lake.

Blackwall tapped her shoulder then handed her a flask filled with a strongly scented amber liquid “How are you feeling?”

She took the flask “I honestly don’t know.” she sniffed at the flask “What is this?”

“It is very low quality whisky. Taste terrible but keeps the blood warm”

“I’ve never really drank” she too another wiff

“Then you may not want to start with this” he reached to take it from her

“I was never allowed to drink in my circles, couldn’t let us lose control. Vivienne was allowed nice wine and to travel” She turned and gave an evil smile to Blackwall “Fuck the circle” and tossed back a large swallow, and immediately began sputtering and coughing.

“I tried to warn you?” he was failing to not laugh

“Why do you drink this?” she wiped tears from her eyes

“As I said it warms the blood and when it’s just you on road it can be hard to get the good stuff” He took a deep swallow himself

“It does burn I’ll give you that” then she laughed “Amwell would have loved to see that”

“Whose Amwell?” He placed the lid back on put the flask away

“My brother, He died at the Conclave” she pulled her cloak tighter around her.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry”

“No it’s fine. I have not really spoken of him since he passed. It felt nice to say his name out loud. I’m not sure why I brought him up”

“It’s the beard” he ran a hand over it “It makes people talk”

“It is majestic” she stopped herself from touching it herself.  
“Thank you again for today. You were very brave standing up to those men.”

“If anyone sitting on this dock is brave it’s you” he huffed

She laughed “You really don’t know me”

“Sure I do. You’re a woman who goes to a stranger's room to heal him when she is in the already clearly in distress. You're a woman who is having a funeral tomorrow for someone she has never met. You’re a woman who has submitted herself to confronting her fear so she won’t be defined by it. I know many a great warrior who could not do that.” She had expected to see a smile or hear a chuckle, anything that said he didn’t actually believe i, but his icy blue eyes held nothing but honesty

“Not even Amwell called me brave” She hadn’t been able to break eye contact She swallowed a lump her throat. _what is wrong with me. This man…_

“Trust me being willing to face yourself is far braver than running into battle” they sat looking at each other Siany could only hear her own heartbeat ringing in her ears

“Blackwall! there you are I have been looking for you everywhere! Oh hi healer” The Herald popped up from nowhere “come on I’ll get you a pint I want to hear some exciting stories about the Wardens” He was exuberant as always

“The Wardens, I’m afraid that compared to your’s my life will seem quite dull” Blackwall had crossed his arms over his chest

“We shall find out, you should come too” The herald turned to Siany as Blackwall was giving her a hand up

“I think the tavern may be a bit much for me. You have a lovely evening” she smiled and headed back to the tents to try and rest

 _Well staying away from confusing Wardens didn’t work._ She yawned thinking maybe she might actually get some sleep tonight, after one last walk through of her patients.


	4. What is worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siany thinks she is starting to heal, but she is not as far along as she thinks.

The past couple weeks had blurred together in flurry of healings, practice and oddly enough, time with friends. It was strange, having people to talk to, to listen to. She found herself smiling more than usual. The templars and soldiers could still make her jump but she felt safer than she could remember. Since the day the Conclave had blown she had looked for a chance to leave. Now with a slew of new mages helping her and regular groups patrolling the hinterlands she could go, but she was no longer sure she wanted to.

It was hectic she would rise early and go around the tents checking all those who stayed with the healers over night. She had several young recruits that were training as surgeons and at least five new mages that had arrived with Lady Vivienne that now reported to her; then breakfast with Varric, Sarah, Blackwall and sometimes Solas. From there she would go off to continue training with Vivienne. She could feel her own improvement and had to admit, that while she was still sure that she would freeze in a real fight, it was nice to be allowed to explore her magic like this. After lunch Vivienne would sit with her and she would discuss the game, or magic theory or a multiply of other things. The woman she once saw as overbearing was quickly becoming someone she trusted and cared for. Sometimes Solas would join them and talk of the fade and the wonderful things he had discovered there. At night after dinner with everyone, she would sit on the dock looking at the star filled sky or the reflection on the lake and enjoy a freedom she never thought possible. The best part was many nights Blackwall would join her for a bit. Sometimes he brought tea other times just himself. They would sit and talk of nothing and laugh at foolish jokes or just enjoy the quiet companionship that could be hard to find in a burgeoning war camp. It was her favorite part of the day.

The previous night she had stayed up until the moon was low on the horizon. He had funny stories of his days in the army and for whatever reason was in sharing mood. _HIs voice is perfect._ She sat and listened, laughed, even shared a bit herself. He brought something out in her, she still didn’t understand, that made her want to open up, to try, to really listen. She was always certain she would say something wrong or foolish but then he would always laugh or smile or understand. The entire experience was uncomfortable in way she hoped would never end.

For the first time since coming to Haven she was awoken by the light streaming in through her tent. . At first she lay in her cot enjoying the moment between sleep and awake, that bare consensus that left her body light, that could at any moment slip back to sleep or move into full wakefulness. She could not remember the last time she felt so calm, quiet.

Her eyes flew open, _how late is it? did I miss breakfast, am I late to meet Lady Vivienne? Who had looked in on the patient's? Why did I have to stay up so late?_ She jumped from the cot and changed into a cleaner set of clothes. Her hair was a mess. _no time to braid it._ A small brush was hidden in her bag but again no time to find it. She looked out the tent flap to see where the sun sat. she had just enough time to look in on her patients. Not like it’s the first time I ever skipped a meal. She tried to ignore the fact that it was not the food that made her sad that she was not going to make it to dine. The air as cold even with the sun shining brightly in the sky. She stepped from her tent and found one of the young volunteers who was training as a surgeon standing just outside.

“Good morning Enchanter” He had in his hands several papers “This is for you. The mages and surgeons have made full reports on every patient for you to review ”

He handed her the thick stack of parchment. “I am also to tell you that all patients have someone monitoring them as needed.”

Siany looked back at the boy, then up to the sun, still low in the morning sky “and everyone is fine?”

“Yes, everyone is holding strong, no new injuries to report” he smiled at her again

“Then I guess I shall review these over breakfast.” She tried to act like she was in command and knew what was going on but honestly didn’t know how to respond to a, “you’re not needed.” No matter how politely and helpfully it was put. She turned with a stack of papers in her hand and headed towards the town proper _maybe he’ll still be at breakfast._ A smile crossed her face. She knew this was silly, to smile at the idea of sitting next to him but she just couldn't stop the flutter in her stomach or the heat in her face. _I would stay up late every night if he were willing to spend the time._ She should have been paying better attention for she walked right into Lady Vivienne

“Darling, please don’t make me go over again the importance of paying attention to your surroundings, and tell me you're not leaving your hair like that. Did you even brush it this morning?” Vivienne tsked over her appearance

 _How do I keep doing this, I never use to get snuck up on_. She looked up at Viv, who stood waiting patiently, apparently use to how lost in her own thoughts SIany could get.

 _She’s looking at you. stop staring like some fool apprentice and talk to her_ “I slept later than I usually do. I was just going to get some food and go over these very thoughtful reports”

“Breakfast is over, I’ll give you a moment to compose yourself then meet me in the clearing. Where are your quarters any way. I would have woke you this morning when I didn’t see you at Breakfast but I didn’t know where to find you?” Vivienne quirked an eyebrow at her

“I just move from tent to tent in the healing area” Siany ran her hand back through her hair feeling the knots that she has missed initially

“Well that is just unacceptable. Is Lady Josephine aware of this?”

Siany had thought everyone knew she slept in a tent “Well, at first it made sense, I needed to be nearby and everything was rather chaotic. Afterwards, well there is an house just behind the healing tents, it has room for me to have small space for myself and a place to keep patients that need to be watched, but everyone is busy and it’s not that important.”

“It’s not important or you're not important” Vivienne held Sianys gaze

“I’m a healer, what I do matters” that had always been her answer

“What you do is not who you are or your worth.” She placed a hand on Sianys shoulder

“I’m nobody, I’m not even sure why you're trying to help me” _don’t cry, don’t cry, for maker's sake don’t cry_

Vivienne didn’t say anything for moment then sighed. “You have much to learn, but the most important thing is that are not no one. Go, calm yourself then we will talk to Josephine about getting you a permanent place to stay.

Lady Vivienne left her standing overwhelmed and on the verge of tears. _Go back, run a brush through your hair, splash some water on your face and calm down._

She blew past everyone asking if she needed anything. _This is way worse then people needing me for things._ She made it to the tent, pulled her brush out and sat running it through her hair letting tears fall silently down her face. _I thought I was getting better. Why can I not shake this?_

“SIany?” She knew that voice, the way the sound of it reverberated through her chest “are you alright?”

“Yes, Blackwall, I’m fine” _there is no way he can’t hear that I’m crying. He must think me so childish, the number of times he has seen me break down._

The tent lit up momentarily as he opened the flap. He had a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and something wrapped in a napkin in the other. “You didn’t come to breakfast I wanted to make sure we're alright, and get you some food.” He placed the napkin on her cot and she took the coffee from him “I’ll leave you be”

 _I look a complete mess, hair half brushed crying. I don’t want him to go_ “You don’t have to and thank you.” she put the cup on a small table. “You are too nice to me” she wiped her face and picked the napkin up from the cot to place in her lap

“Is this a cherry pastry?” She lifted the light flakey pastry from the napkin

“Yes, one of the servants said lady Josephine had an order of fruit and vegetables brought in because you said we needed it. I always like them when I was back in Markham and I thought maybe you would have had a chance to try them. He looked awkward standing with a hunch in her tent

“SIt” she motioned to the cot, “This is my favorite. I can’t believe it. Josephine ordered fruit and vegetables because I asked her to? I didn’t even think she listened. then the chef made cherry pastries, and you brought me one” _Am I tearing up again, what is wrong with me._ “I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you for how kind you are to me”

“you don’t need to repay me” he smiled at her

“I have only known you a short time, and you have saved me from templars, you feed me and I…” _don’t tell him about all the odd things he makes you feel_ “I’m glad you joined, your oddly charming for a man the Herald found wandering the woods” _why did i say that?_

He burst out laughing “Always considered myself more odd than charming, but I’ll take a compliment from a lady. They are hard to come by”

“Compliments or ladies?” _honestly why will I not stop talking_

“Both” He smile again. “I enjoy the time I have spent you with you my lady. you are unlike any women I have ever met. I am flattered you spend any time with me”

She could feel the heat rush her face. _Did his voice get deeper_?

He cleared his throat and changed the subject “I leave tomorrow, early, with the Herald for the Storm Coast.”

She had just bit into the pastry enjoying the tart cherry filling that as also dripping down her chin. He reached over and wiped it from her face with his thumb. He sucked it off “Still good”

She swallowed, _is he flirting with me? he can’t be flirting with me_

“What are you going to do at the Storm Coast” _I wish he wasn’t going_

He continued to sit straight arms crossed and watch her eat“There is a mercenary group that wants to offer their services, we have also had trouble with a group there and now some of our soldiers are missing.”

“I am sure you and the Herald will take of it” They sat for bit in the silence that always fell when they were alone together. It was usually nice. SItting on the dock in the evening just enjoying the stars, alone, together. This felt different the air was heavy and she could see how uncomfortable he was. _Probably because he doesn't want to watch me cry into a pastry_

“Well I am suppose to help Cullen with some new recruits and I am sure you have things to do” Blackwall got up gave her one last small smile and went to leave

“Wait, Blackwall, I…” _How do I ask this?_ He didn’t say anything, just waited use to her strange way of talking. “How do you know your worth?”

He stood for a moment looking at her “It’s what you do, and how you do it that matters” He then left

That's the opposite of what Vivienne said. Maybe Varric & Solas has a better idea. She sipped at her coffee then smiled at the fact that he had brought it just how she liked it.

 

Blackwall walked from the tent in more of a rush. than he intended to

_Makers balls you fool. Just leave the poor girl alone. Maybe she will forget all about me while I’m away._

He could still remember the first time he saw her. The Herald had described her as cute. That was an understatement. Her soft grey blue eyes, her golden hair wrapped around her head in an intricate braid. She was short and everything looked soft, her small pink lips, the curves of her body. When he was younger, another life, this was exactly what he looked for. Not anymore, he had seen many lovely women and had no problem staying away.

She refused to make it easy. She gave him that massage, smiled in a way that made his heart race, was warm and caring. He tried to stay away, he honestly did. She seemed determined to not let him. She would come see him with food or just to sit. He told himself that sitting on the dock was friendly, but sometimes she would lie her head on his shoulder and he could smell the soap she used in her hair.

This women, she should be broken. In some ways she was . He saw her hide her face from templars, jump when Cullen wanted to talk to her or stop talking mid sentence. He had also seen her save lives. She would run to the side of the same Templars that scared her if they needed healing. He wasn’t sure how she managed to be whole and broken. It as terrible because it brought him hope maybe he could find a way to do that himself.


	5. The answers you didn't want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siany learns why no one in Redcliff will answer her correspondence. More sad bear, always sad bear.

The house helped, more than she thought it would.  It was far warmer so she slept better and she no longer had to give a thought to where she would sleep that night. It was one less thing to weigh on her.  Well maybe it would be if she could stop thinking about Blackwall.  Sometimes she would think of something she wanted to tell him, other times it was worry over how safe he was, and other times it was furiously blushing out of nowhere as she remembered steamy dreams.  The dreams were nice, and they came more often then the nightmares that had haunted her before but she had a way of remembering them at the oddest moments.  She was starting to believe her own mind didn’t actually like her. _Honestly Siany you are an adult.  Act like it for once in your life._ _Now you will finish these reports and you will do it now!_  all she actually did was let out a moan  and flop her head onto her desk. The arrival of Iron Bull and his chargers had led to some disruptions in camp.  His surgeon had given her a poultice recipe and she was now compiling all the uses over the past week, to compare to the old one.  She was making no progress.  _Maybe some fresh air.  I can go visit with the Chargers._

 At first she found the large Qunari overwhelming in almost every sense.  Then she had been annoyed that he brought news that the Herald had decided to go to Redcliffe and meet with Fiona before returning.  This meant Blackwall and Varric and Vivienne were gone longer and she had hoped to be allowed to go with, or at least see if they would check on some people for her.  She was concerned that no one had answered her correspondence.  She had sent several letters, telling them about the Inquisition, asking how things were going, checking in on the children.

Eventually her curiosity got the better of her and after a very odd conversation _completely her fault_ he had allowed her to examine him.  She had never had an opportunity to truly see the differences in Qunari physiology.    He seemed to find her funny, while a few months ago the idea of spending any time with a Qunari spy would have caused her a complete break down, now she found his honesty and sense of humor refreshing.  She also enjoyed time with the charges.  She often sat quiet and awkward just to listen to them talk and laugh.  She had never imagined such a thing, and she hoped to find something like it herself some day, maybe she had.

She was talking with stitches about some of his techniques and about coming to help train her surgeons.  Krem and The Iron Bull where sparring near by  when the scouts announced that the Herald and his party were spotted in the pass.  They were about an hour away.

“Their back!” Siany jumped from her seat

“Didn’t know you like the herald so much?” Krem laughed at her

“I don’t, it’s not him, I want information from Redcliff”  she pretended to straighten out her shirt

“Come on Krem, you don’t need ben-hassrath training to know it’s the Warden”  Bull gave her a wink

“what?  no, no.  I don’t even…” _Just stop talking. how do they know? he hasn’t even been here._ She stood open mouthed watching them smile at her awkwardness when a runner came up behind her

“Healer Siany”  He barked  

“Stop coming up behind me” she jumped “what do you need?”  Bull and Krem could barely keep from laughing

“The Herald wants you in the debriefing about Redcliff, he sent a raven in advance so you would be waiting  with his advisors.

“Why would he need to talk to me?” she stared at the messenger  

“I am not sure healer, I was just told to tell you”  messengers were often frustrated with her.

“Ok then, I guess I should go then” She  turned from the messenger and gave a half hearted grin to Krem and Bull, thanked stitches then went off to  fix her hair and change into something a bit nicer, well less stained.

She was happy Lady Vivienne had a set of robes sized to fit her.  She felt far more comfortable in the war room standing next to Josephine in her fine attire.  It was not nearly as nice but it as clean and fit well.  Why am I here?  I don’t know what’s happening in Redcliff,.  Is it because I’m a mage?  I don’t understand.

It was Lilianna who broke through her thoughts “What have you heard from your contacts in Redcliff, healer?”

“Nothing”  she answered

“Nothing?” Liliana raised an eyebrow “do you not send messages weekly”

“No one answers”  she could feel her stomach knot. _what have they learned?_

a small smile curled at the edges of the spymasters lips “I thought you received a Raven yesterday?”

Siany looked up at the women.  “All it said was we can not join you.  Under no circumstances should you come here”

“That is not much to go on” Josephine interrupted.

No one else had a chance to say anything else as Cassandra opened the door with the Herald  right behind her.  

“Good, Siany you’re here.  We ran into some people that know you.  I thought that you should hear what’s going on from me instead from rumor.” He looked worn out “ They have aligned themselves with a Tevinter Magister.  They are all going into Slavery.”  

“No, no, why would Fiona do something like that?  She was the one that forced the vote that divided mages.  She called or the split from the circles so we could be free.  This makes no sense.” Siany Held her hands to her mouth to try and keep the sounds of her pain from escaping

“She said that she felt she had no choice.  when the chantry exploded she was certain the Templars were coming for them.  The Magister showed up the next day with an offer.  It was the only way she thought she could keep everyone safe”  Javier Trevelyan had never looked so serious

Siany was bent over the war table, her hand over her mouth another arm wrapped around her stomach. “I never should have left” she whispered between gasping cries  “I promised them they were safe.”  She stood, tears pouring from her eyes to look at the Herald “What are you going to do?

“I don’t know”  was all he could say.

The next several hours were debate and plans and arguments.  The problem was that no one had a good answer

“We're not going in, are we?” Siany looked at everyone assembled at the table.

“The magister has outplayed us”  Cullen met her gaze “I’m sorry”

Siany looked around the room, only to see no one willing to meet her gaze

“Thank you for trying.”  she stood and walked out the door, then she ran.  She burst from the doors of the chantry and barreled straight into Blackwall

he caught her  with his strong arms as she ran into his chest. he kept his footing but the air was knocked from his lungs

“Siany what's wrong?” he held her close hearing her gasping breaths and sobs

she clung to him “I failed.  Amwell is dead for nothing.  I promised them and I failed. I lied, I was wrong.”  she continued to repeat these phrases over and over again until he pulled her face up from his chest to look at him

“What are you going on about?” his hand tilted her chin so she would look at him.

“You know how to ride a horse, tell me how, and how to saddle   i have to get to Redcliff.  I never should have left.”  her face was red and swollen with tears.

“You can not go there I saw the desperation in those mages.  You would only end up under some magisters whip.  I’m not letting you do that. “ his eyes locked on to hers

“What would you have me do?  I promised the children that I would keep them safe then I abandoned them to this fate.  You would never just turn your back on the people that care for, why would you ask me to do the same?” It had to be the kindest cruelty to ever pass someone’s lips. That she actually held him so highly, that he had fooled her so well.

“You don’t know how to ride a horse, how are even planning on getting there, walking by yourself?” he asked his voice gentle

 _I hoped you would take me_  “I haven’t thought that far.  I just know that I will never forgive myself if I stay here” She had started to control her breathing but tears still ran freely  from her face.

Blackwall couldn’t think of what to say, didn’t know how to convince her she shouldn’t go.  He wiped the tears from her face.  tried to come up with anything.  

“Well that is all lovely but it may not be time for the water works and dramatics just yet?  Siany looked away from Blackwall to see an extremely handsome man emerge from the shadows

“Who are you?” she looked over his well dressed physique, perfect her, dark skin, and a staff.   _good, another mage  will understand_

Blackwall practically growled an answer “That’s Dorian.  He’s a magister that is apparently here to stop the other magister”

The man flashed a dazzling smile “I am not a Magister but now is not the time for that.  Far more importantly I am the man that is going to solve all of these dear ladies problems.  Please tell me there is a meeting somewhere I can interrupt to share my clery brilliant plan.”

Siany stepped away from Blackwall  towards the stranger “You can really help?  you think you can convince them to go?”

“I am certain of it” his confidence was infectious “and if for some reason I can’t, I promise to return with you and help in any way I can”

“Inside, straight to the back” she pointed to the chantry doors

“Excellent, do not worry my dear.  I’m sure to be back with better news shortly”  with that he turned and headed into the chantry

“I’m not sure how wise it is to trust that one” Blackwall grumbled

Siany shrugged “I’m desperate, and I have never been hurt or betrayed by another mage.”

He  stepped closer “Will you really go with him, if the Inquisition doesn’t go”

“I don’t want to”  she wrapped her arms around her middle “but I have to”

They stood staring at each other trying to find words to fill the void.  

 _I can’t keep doing this. I will only hurt her.  I don’t want her to go.  How could I ever ask her to stay.  Go with her, protect her and forsake the Inquisition?_   Blackwall wrestled with his thoughts

 _I wish he would come to, but how could I ask him to leave something he swore himself to help.  I wish he would ask me to stay but then how could I say yes, How could I say no.  It’s best he doesn’t ask.  Why would he anyway?  Do I actually think he feels the same way._   Siany watched the expression change on his face.  “Are you alright” she stepped closer making them only breadths apart.

“Yes, but, I have to go.”  He looked down at her, his eyes filled it sadness and pain  “goodnight”  with that terse answer he walked away leaving her alone and confused.  She wanted to run after him but the sound of the chantry doors opening stopped her.

“Lady healer they request you return to the war room” a servant stood at the doors

_What? did he change their mind, already? but Blackwall, what was that about.  I’m not really needed, I can’t do anything_

“Lady healer?” the servant looked confused.  

“Yes I’m coming” and she went back into the chantry.


	6. Bare Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions have been made, and as the inquisition prepares, Blackwall will need to figure out what he's going to do about his growing affection for Siany

Dorian had convinced them.  The joy in her heart was only dampened by her inability to share it with Blackwall.  He wouldn’t talk to her, seemed to be actively avoiding her.    The daily running of a war camp was tedious and exhausting normally and now that they were planning to find a way into Redcliff she was being pulled into more meetings than ever.  She kept trying to tell them that she did not know the lay out or why Fiona had ended up in this situation.  They still insisted she be there.  She had nothing to contribute to the planning and she felt useless when they did ask her questions, since she never had the answers they wanted.  

She stepped from the chantry glad to stretch her back and breath the cold air.  She had learned to embrace the cold as she had become more comfortable in her abilities.  The sky was completely clear, the stars shone bright  against the black backdrop of mountain and midnight.  The walk back to her cabin had become the best time for her to clear her mind and relax the past few days, especially since Blackwall had stopped coming to sit with her on the dock.  He had started to pull away from her.  She didn’t know why, and  she didn’t know how to fix it.  It gnawed at the back of her mind.  She continued to walk letting the cool air numb her face.  The calm was disrupted by the sound  of someone cursing their way through the snow.

“Andraste’s fucking nipples it’s cold, Maker fucking elf”  Siany stopped in her tracks to watch a very naked Blackwall trudge through the snow.  he had nothing but a bucket to cover himself.

“Blackall?  What in the Maker’s name are you doing”  It was nice to see someone surprised by her for once.  He almost dropped his bucket

“Siany!  What are you doing’ out here?” He stopped to turn and look at her.  

“Don’t just stand here in the snow.  It’s freezing.  we have to get inside now”   _look at him, I never imagined he would look this good, no stop looking at him get him out of the snow_. “Come on, we need to get you inside.”  she grabbed at one of his hands  pulling him towards his room.  It was a short walk but she could hear him mumbling behind her about sharp rocks under the snow.  She pushed through the door to his room.  The fire was set up but not yet lit.  It only took her seconds to have the it roaring,  orange light poured into the small room.  

She turned to him “you must be freezing, come here”  she quickly warmed her hands with her magic and stood up on her tiptoes to run them through his hair.  she cupped his ears then skimmed her hands over his face  “What were thinking gambling away your clothes in this weather”  she moved her hands down his shoulders and over his chest.  “you could still get sick” She continued with her hand flat on his chest, she moved lower than stopped, staring at her hands stretched across the expanse of his stomach, his dark hair running down the center, just asking to be followed ever lower.  she turned her face up to look at his face.  His eyes burned as he looked at her.  They stood in silence, eyes locked. _is he going to kiss me, please kiss me._   He moved a hand and gently moved a piece of hair from her face.  she could feel the blood rushing through her ears.  

“Siany” his voice was deep and soft “your hands are getting really hot”  

She jumped back pulling her hands to her face only to feel how hot she had let them get from losing her focus   _what am I doing, he hasn’t talked to me in days and now I follow him into his room and run my hands on him . I can’t even control my magic._   _what is wrong with me_  “I am so sorry, Blackwall I don’t even… I’m so sorry”  she backed from him but that only gave her a greater view of him and all his bareness.  she turned around  “I’m sorry, please, I’ll leave you be”  She shuffled to the door  and let herself out  leaving Blackwall standing alone in his room

“Makers Balls” Blackall  pulled out some pants and shirt.  Thank the Maker the Herald had given him a second set of boots.  Dressed, he took a few deep breaths to try and calm down, that women drove him mad.  He had tried to back off.  He knew in his heart their friendship was quickly becoming something more.  He had tried and failed to not fall for her but after weeks away he realized it was too late.  She didn’t deserve the attention of a foolish old man like him, so he had held himself back as best he could, and all it had done was make things worse.  He took one last deep breath before heading out to find her so he could try and fix the mess he had created.

She made it easy to find her.  As he walked from the gates he could see the flare of her magic across the lake.  it was short walk and he wished for more time to get the words right in his head, but he found  himself standing behind her, watching  her cast small lights that turned into birds and butterflies that floated and weaved around her.  

 _I should just walk away, nothing I do will be right_.  He stood in the snow watching her back trying to make the right choice

“You don’t have to say anything” Her voice took him by surprise, she was usually so unaware of her surroundings. “I appreciate that you want to, but it’s not the first time I have embarrassed myself.  I’ll be ok.  You don’t need to do anything”  Her words sounded good if he could ignore the sound of unshed tears behind them.  She was hurting and it was his fault.    He scrubbed his face with his hands hoping or any idea of what to say

“I don’t think you have anything to be embarrassed about.  I’m the one that lost all my clothes to Solas.  You did exactly what I would expect, you showed kindness and concern for a foolish old luminox. “  He sat next to her.  She continued to look straight ahead with her hood pulled up so he couldn’t see her face.

“I don’t understand why you can be so nice to me right now.  You have made it very clear that you no longer wish to spend time with me and instead of respecting that I barge into your room and touch you and…”

“Just stop.  I am sorry if I made you believe I don’t want…to be near you.  It was unkind of me and the furthest thing from the truth” He had reached out and placed his hand on hers.  She finally looked at him.  

“then why have you avoided me these past few days?” The hurt in his eyes made his chest clench.

 _What do I say, I can’t tell her it's because I want to kiss her senseless, that being near her makes me feel things I do not deserve._  “I have to assume you won’t take Grey Warden secret as the answer”   it was a feeble attempt at a delay.  She held his gaze steady. like she was looking for something, peering into his very being.   She shouldn’t buy it but then she smiled.

“Fine, Warden.  Keep your secrets.  Just promise me that if I ever do something that you’ll tell me so that I don’t have to spend days trying to figure it out?”

“I promise, and as I said it has nothing to do with you”  his heart jumped that she would allow such a horrible answer, so clearly a lie.  Granted she had never pushed him to reveal, never asked for more than he was willing to give.  She smiled at him not the small one she flashed around camp but the full teeth, bright eye and dimpled smile he was sure was only for him. “You didn’t say it wasn’t me, you said it as due to Warden secret.  It may be a stretch but I’m sure I could find a way for it to be my fault”

“I can not imagine you doing anything to make me not want you” He dropped his eye, knew he was going to far. She wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him close so he could smell the elfroot and lavender in her hair.  

“You leave for Redcliff tomorrow” she whispered into his ear “they won’t let me come”

“They are probably worried for your safety”  he knew he was.

“Just tell me you’ll come back.” he held her tighter, both hurt and gladdened that she worried for him

“I will.  It will be fine.”  he tried to sound as confident as possible.

She pulled away from the hug.  “Good, now enough of this.” she wiped tears from her face “ I need to hear about how you possibly lost all your clothes to Solas”

he told her as they sat under the stars, just to hear her laugh, to know that for a moment he brought her some happiness instead of the pain that seemed to haunt him.  


	7. Return from Redcliff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone returns from Redcliff

Everyone left early in the morning.  Well, not everyone, Bull had left the chargers to help guard Haven.  Soldiers had been dispersed over the past week throughout the hinterlands  with different leaders, all the Heralds trusted inner circle.  They hoped it would keep the Magister from realizing their plan.  Siany watched with a steamy cup of tea as the Herald, Blackwall, Bull and Dorian rode off in the soft light of the pre-dawn.  

“I hate this part” Josephine joined her,  “It’s hard to watch them go, to feel like you can’t do anything”  

Siany looked up at the elegant women “I don’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to go.  I was pulled into all those meetings where I was useless, and now I have to stay here and ask others to step into a dangerous situation that I left.” _I will never forgive myself if they don't come back_ She watched the last silhouettes  disappear on the horizon

“You were not useless.  We needed you.  We were happy to have you there”  Josephine laid her hand on Siany's shoulder

“You are too kind Lady Josephine” she smiled at her

“No, I think Vivienne is right, you don’t think highly enough of yourself.” Josephine gave a small smile and left Siany to watch the sunrise.  

 

The next few days were pure torture as they waited for a raven to say what had happened.  Siany tried to stay busy, but with most everyone gone from Haven, there were fewer injuries and less for her to do.  This just gave her plenty of time to dream up of all the ways everything could go wrong.  Today was no better.  Everything was in place to start preparing for the mages, but everyone felt to superstitious to actually start the work. Trying to distract herself she had gone to smithy but instead of Blackwall, she sat with Krem as he worked on his sword.  

“You want to hear a funny story about the Chargers and giant baiting?” Krem looked up at her “You could use the distraction, get out of your own head”

“Why would you bait giants?” She looked up from the book she was pretending to read on healing techniques

He smiled at her “Because someone paid us to.  It’s why we do anything, ”  he went back to running a stone over his sword

“Are you going to tell me the story or not?” She swat at him with her book

He stopped “are you going to pay me more attention than you have to that book,  you’ve been on the same page for over an hour”

Siany looked down at her book “It’s very complicated.  It takes time to process”

“Sure, because you know nothing about healing, ”  he laughed ‘I know what the title means.”

She sighed “I would like to hear the story.” she closed the book.

“Fine. One time…”

“Healer.”  a runner interrupted Krem.

“Yes?”   _It's like they know when I don't want to be bothered_

“A rave arrived, the commander asks that you join him and the other advisors in the war room”  

Siany turned to Krem

“Well go!  just make sure you tell me afterward”  He waved her off but she had already run off towards the chantry

She burst through the door to the war room gasping to catch her breath.

They all greeted her with wide smiles “Calm yourself Siany, the plan worked, they won. No one was hurt”  Cullen gave her a wide smile

Josephine handed her a message “would you read it.  We need a mage's perspective”

Siany took the parchment into her hand _do not cry, you cry too much.  Thank the maker they are safe._  “of course, just give me a moment”  It was only a page and it did say everyone as safe and many other very intriguing things  “this seems to imply time travel?”   she looked up at Cullen “It’s all theoretical unless they actually did it”  she reread over the message “I need so much more information than this.  This is fascinating”  

Josephine gave her a warm smile “I’m sure it is, but the main reason we asked you here is that with the mages coming we need to start preparing.  I know we already made all the basic plans, I was hoping you would assist me in the execution.”

_yes, for once I am ready_ She opened the book she had been reading and pulled a pile of folded parchment from the back “I have been thinking about it ever since  I knew the herald was going”  she had the parchments over covered in tight flowy script.  “I reorganized this last night and it should cover most bases”

“This is perfect.  Let us  start going over what you have here” Josephine smiled and started going over the list,  Siany groaned internally _I thought having that all done meant I would be able to get out of a meeting_

It took hours going over every detail, where they would be housed, how they would distribute them among the camp work, how to set up education for all the younger mages, and so on and so forth until Siany's head ached.  She  even missed dinner with the Chargers.  The one bright note, she did have to admit that she was no longer afraid of Cullen.  They exchanged a few jokes and she was happy to have someone around that also understood what mages needed  She was honestly surprised to find the ex-templar so well versed and understanding. It was still exhausting and she was overjoyed when the meeting ended and she was able to go lie down.

The next week was more meetings and set up.  All of Haven was in a flurry trying to prepare for the mages.  Reports had started to trickle in that more Templars were heading their way as well.  Those caught in a limbo of not rebelling but also not trusting their leadership enough to go to Therinfal Redoubt.  Siany only cared that everyone was coming back.  She filled her days directing servants and soldiers to add makeshift housing and working with the advisors about who needs help and what the mages could do.   She was overjoyed when she heard the runners come announcing that a party was closing in on Haven.  Blackwall was supposed to be with the first group.

“Enchanter Siany!” A group of little voices broke through the noise of hammers and shouts.  she turned to see a wave of children running towards her  All the sweet little ones she had left, all smiles and bright cheeks, were running at her.  thank you, thank you, thank you She ran to meet them dropping to her knees to allow little arms to crash into her “Little ones, you are all safe”  she spread out kisses and hugs and tears among all the of them.  Some other mages she knew soon followed behind.  They joined in hugs and smiles.  She had never realized how much the people of the circle meant to her.  She had always felt so cut off from them, but now she saw that they had always been there for her.  In waves of smiles and hugs, she lead the first group to where they would stay.

Blackwall smiled as he watched her leave with the group of mages he had helped escort to Haven.  She glowed in a way he had never seen before.

“Still trying to deny you have feelings for her?” Dorian's cocky smile annoyed him to no end

“I already told you, there is nothing going on”   _Why will he not let his go?_

Dorian laughed “Say what you will, but I saw your little exchange outside the Chantry.  Now your grinning like fool while watching her”  

“leave him alone sparkles, he’s never denied caring for the girl, he denies anything is happening, which I believe” Varric continued past them “I don’t know about you but I could use some lunch”

Blackwall huffed his agreement and follow the dwarf to get some food. _I don’t care that she didn’t stop to say hi to me._

The rest of the day was rather enjoyable.  He spent time looking at his equipment, took a few moments to help care for the mounts.  Got a sparring session in with Bull.    He even managed to find time to ignore the fact that Siany had not come to see him once.  It took no convincing on Varric's part for him to go to the pub.

 

Krem was not giving up “Come one Siany everyone is some sort of glum mood.  Something to do with the time travel stuff at Redcliff.  Come get  a drink, see everyone.  It will cheer them up.”

“For the thousandth time, I have never been, I don’t drink.  Why would I go?”  Her hair was already down and her bed looked very inviting

“I’m sure it would make the Wardens day.  Have you even seen him yet?”  Krem had that look on his face he got when he knew he had won.

“I don’t know what to say to him.”  she had racked her brain for days.  They had left things on friendly terms.  He had never said it but she was sure he had pulled away because she couldn't hide how she felt and it made him uncomfortable.   _Who could possibly want my attention?_

Krem leaned over and placed his hands on his shoulders “He’s a guy, just say hi.  and maybe flash some boob” He laughed and backed away as she swatted at his shoulder

“You are so rude”  she was laughing as well.  “You need to stop teasing me.  what if I took you seriously?”  

“Then I would get a show too, Ow!”  He pretended she actually managed to do him any harm.  “Come on. “ he caught her hand and dragged her from her nice warm house.

The bar was bright and warm and filled with the drunken cheers of newly arrived mages ecstatic to no longer be heading into slavery.  In a far corner sat Blackwall, Bull, Varric and Dorian.  Krem was right.  They looked out of place in a the exuberant environment.  They hadn’t seemed to notice her as she walked up to the table

“I will agree she does have some very nice tits”  Blackwall gestured towards a generously endowed redhead at the end of the bar.  She was clearly aware of the attention and making druffalo eyes at Bull. _You can do this, just be normal.  Well, not your normal._ Siany plopped down next to Blackwall

“She really does.  Just a word of caution I believe her to be the source of a recent outbreak traveling around camp.  She don't trust magic and won’t let me examine heal and the herbal remedy takes six weeks.  She will not take six weeks off work.   I would go with Laurel over there” Siany gestured to Raven haired mage towards the main entrance “Tits aren’t as nice but she has a great ass.  We were both and Markham and I have heard some very complimentary things about her”  She looked around at the open-mouthed shock.

Bull broke the silence first, with a deep belly laugh “Didn’t know you had it in you”  Everyone else joined in except Blackwall  who was still looking at her with a confused expression.  

_shit shit shit! what do I do?_  Why is he looking at me like that?  what do I say?

She leaned in close so he could hear over the laughter  “Thank you, for keeping your promise.  I’m glad you're safe”   _No don’t show him you care so much, he’ll run away again.  He doesn’t like you like that.  Be honored for his friendship and back off you silly silly girl_

“So, who are we picking girls out for?” _Please be Bull, please be Bull_

“No one.” Blackwall answered brusquely. “ We just noticed the girl making druffalo eyes at Bull and started discussing…”

“Her finer points” Varric finished the sentence for him “If she is causing a problem in camp why don’t you tell Cullen?”

“To what end? she would only get thrown out.  Where would she go? I’m not going to cost her her livelihood”  She looked back at the women who had moved her attentions elsewhere “I just need to find a way to make her trust me”

Dorian chuckled “You think telling everyone she is diseased is a good way to do that?”

“That was selfish,  I just don’t want to examine Iron Bulls diseased junk” Everyone again laughed   _I can absolutely do this.  except.  what have I done wrong now?_  Blackwall seemed intent on not looking at her

“Don’t pretend you're not curious”  Bull took a deep drink from his mug

Before she could answer a server placed a large tankard in front of her. “Oh, I don’t…”  

“You do tonight kid” Varric answered and raised his glass.  

Siany picked it up and peered into the yellow liquid inside.  “Ok then.”  She took a drink grimacing as she put it down “It's better than the stuff Blackwall gave me”  This got him to actually look at her.

“Very little is worse”   _He smiled he actually smiled.  Maybe everything is ok_

Krem sat down on the other side of her having struck out with the women he was hitting on.  “now that everyone has settled in.  We want to hear about Redcliff”

His declaration ended all laughter and the haunted quite looks returned to the faces of the men around the table.

“Can it really be that bad?  you came back, unharmed, with the mages.” Siany looked around the table

“How much do you already know?”  Dorian asked

“Only what Siany got from the advisor's, something about time travel.” Krem  answered first.

“We did travel in time, the Herald and myself.  One year into a future where the Herald died at Redcliff.  It was terrible.  We only saw Blackwall, Bull and Lilianna there.  The implication was terrible things happened to the rest of you”

“Killed by Tevinter cultist, not how I wanted to go”  Varric mumbled into his beer

“but you came back, the Herald is not dead.  That future shouldn’t happen now”  Siany was desperate to turn her friends from their sour mood.  

“Only because these two sacrificed themselves to give me time to cast my spell.” Dorina pointed to Bull and Blackwall

“Fucking vints”  Iron bull moaned

Siany looked at Blackwall as he hung his head into his mug “you saved the world”  she couldn't help but reach to place a hand on his arm

“It’s nice to know I was worth something in the end” he stared into his mug

“You say that like you're not worth something now” She tightened her hand

  _look at me. you are worth something to me.  How do I fix this?_

That stopped all the talk.  Everyone hung up on the weight of what could happen if the inquisition failed if they failed.  Siany reached into her shirt and  pulled out a necklace on a long thin chain.  She laid it gently on the table. at the end as small rose shaped red gem.

“When I was a child, I had an uncle who was a gem cutter, well he was more than that.  a jewelry designer that started his pieces from the beginning. When my mother didn’t need me in her surgery I was allowed to go and spend time in his workshop.  When I was sitting in the dungeons waiting for the templars to come get me, he was the only one to visit.  He gave me this.  I don’t know why the Templars never took it from me.  I can remember as he took me into his arms then placed the necklace in my hand.  He told me ‘Siany, no stone comes from the ground in perfect form.  It takes hard work.  There are moments in life that feel like they are going to break you but really they are helping to shape you’  I have no doubt that whatever lead all of us here is not a happy story.  We all face challenges and we make choices, a chisel coming down on a rock to help turn it into a gem. I believe we will win this.  I honestly do, because you are all here now.  Choices that hurt and cut you but made you what you needed to be and led you to today “  

“I might have to steal that” Varric chuckled.   then they all drifted back into silence, lost in their own thoughts.

Siany looked around at the dark faces, _great I made everything worse. Why would I think that would help?  It’s a horrible story.  I need to stop talking_  She took another drink of beer to give her hands something to do and grimaced

“I’m sorry.” she mumbled.  Blackwalls normal crystal eyes were dark and storming.  his brow knit together  in deep thought. _What do I say?  Why did I even open my mouth?_  Her self- berating was interrupted by a small voice behind her

‘Enchanter Siany”  a young elf with a pile of brown curly hair and large green eyes stood behind her.  “Can you come with me please?” Siany recognized the girl as one of the younger children she had brought from Markham.  

“Of course, what's wrong?”  Siany stood reaching out as the child extended a hand

“I need to show you, please?”  The poor girl's eyes shined with tears and her skin was ashen. Siany could feel her small hand shaking.

She placed her hand on the poor girls head “It’s alright child.”  She looked back at the table and everyone's glazed over faces.  The girl pulled on her arm so she turned and followed her out the door.

Fat snowflakes drifted  from the gray sky.  They clung to Siany as she followed behind the young girl “Can you please tell me what is going on?”  The girl did not stop but ran faster.  They were close to the tree line, she could just make out dark figures through the ever thickening snowfall “please tell me what is going on?”  she tried one last time

“I’m sorry” was all the girl said as the passed into the trees

Tied to one of the trees was another girl, maybe older.  Her face was already swelling from where she had clearly been struck.

“I have been looking for you”  Siany froze at the sound of the voice, cold soft.  She tried to stifle a scream as he came from behind a tree  his green eyes boring into her.  “You made it very difficult,” he pulled something from under his armor, a glowing phylactery “Good thing I held on to this”  he pulled it up to his mouth and brushed his lips over it.  She felt her mana drain from her body making her weak and shaky. The only thing that kept her standing was her staff.

“run” Siany tried to whisper to the girl

“You will stay here”  the man had fluidly pulled a sword on the girl tied to the tree.  “You did what was asked child.  Don’t make me punish you and your friend. Come here, I won’t hurt you”

“Shaun, please” Siany begged “You came for me, I’m here.  Leave them be”

Siany felt the searing pain of a holy smite slam into her body setting her blood aflame.  She fell to her knees tasting blood as she bit down hard to keep from screaming.  The poor girl next to her yelled in pain

“That is knight captain to you” He seethed through his teeth as he came to pick up the girl writhing next to her.  He turned to look into her eyes

“no scream?  someone needs to relearn some very old lessons”  

Siany didn’t know where it came from but she stood and  slapped him, as hard as she could sending shooting pain up her hand.

“You bitch” he roared.  She had never made him yell before.  It was always quiet when angry   _He’s going to kill me._  He tossed the girl from his arms and charged at her wrapping a gauntleted hand around her throat

“How dare you!  I will make you pay.  Then one of these girls will be my new toy”  he practically frothed at the mouth, his eyes stayed as chilling as ever.  

Siany kicked and fought. _no, no.  I can’t let him hurt them.  I won’t_

“I will see you bleed”  he dropped her into the snow where she bent gasping for breath He unsheathed his sword, pulled her scalp to lift her  and ran her thew.   he sneered, “you made me do that”  She could just feel her mana returning

“Maybe, but I won’t let you do it again”  she could taste the copper in the back of her throat. she cast her spell encasing his head in ice  and everything went dark.


	8. To live.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fall out from the attack on Siany

Blackwall looked down at the small gem on the table. He had been lost in thought for too long how long has she been gone when the same girl from earlier burst into the tavern screaming “help help please he killed her help!” this broke all of them from their inner thoughts. Blackwall grabbed the girl as he ran out the door “Show me where” He ran through the swirling snow to the trees the girl had pointed to. Siany lie in the snow in a pool of her own blood. He pulled her into his arms screaming.

“Untie me! I can heal, someone untie me!” the girl tied to the tree was screaming and crying pulling at her bonds. Bull had been right behind and he cut the girl free. She dove down next to them in the crimson-stained snow.

“Does she have a pulse?” the girl looked at Blackwall

“Barley” he couldn’t think couldn’t feel anything but the heat of her blood dripping onto him

“make her drink this” the girl handed him a vial from Siany’s own belt. He poured it into her mouth where it mixed with the blood seeping from the corners The other mage closed her eyes and cast a spell. Siany gasped a breath then collapsed back into him. Her pulse was stronger but erratic. 

“Bring her to her house. I’ll wake a mage with more experience” the young women jumped up and ran towards the healing tents. He would be impressed if he was capable of thinking. The weight of her in his arms was the only thing he thought about as he brought her to her home

He couldn’t say how much time passes as he sat in her small sleeping area watching mages and healers bustle about. The advisors stood in the main healing area arguing over how to handle the situation. He felt his hackles rise

“She is not a situation” He hadn’t intended to yell

Josephine was the first to answer “Of course she’s not. We just worry how the mages will react to one of their own almost being killed by a rogue Templar”

“He wasn’t one of ours, He clearly followed her here. He had her phylactery” Cullen looked strained and sad.

“We tell them the truth” Leliana stated “Just that, a man crazed, nothing to do with Templars and mages”

“I don’t think they will believe it. If only Vivienne and Fiona were to arrive sooner. It will only be two days, We just need to contain this until they get here” Josephine somehow still managed to have every hair just in place.

Blackwall walked away, disgusted that they cared more about what the fallout may be then for the women who lay not ten feet away fighting for her life. A small voice told him they were right but he didn’t feel like listening to it. 

Eventually, everyone left. He knew at some point and time he was given a clean shirt and he had cleaned the blood off his hands and arms. The healers said she just needed time but he refused to leave. She looked so small piled under the blankets her chest barely moving. He eventually fell asleep in the chair by her side.

It was days of watching her toss and turn. She was locked in nightmares and he could do nothing. He placed a cold rag on her head and stroked her hair praying it gave her some comfort. The healers had given her some concoction for the fever and he hoped it would start working soon

~~

Siany looked around at the strange landscape “the fade? How did I get here?” She stood slowly taking in the surroundings, it was Haven but different. “I should be dead”

“When you passed out I pulled you here, though it ended up being not the best of plans” 

She turned toward the sound and saw the only thing that looked solid, “Amwell?”

“I thought you would be more comfortable if I was a face you recognized” It sounded like him, it looked like him, but there was a coldness

“So you’re a spirit, I assume one of compassion, one that has helped me in my healing?” She continued to look around

“I am one of bravery” He answered “and you are being held here by a rather powerful despair. It has grown in strength lately” 

‘I can see that, there has been plenty of that to go around” She sighed “Well nothing to do but look around and see if I can get out of here. I wish Solas was here, granted if I saw him now I’m not sure I would believe him” With a heavy sigh she pushed the door open to the chantry, and found herself, home.

“You” He mother’s voice rang out of the area, “you ruined everything, everyone is dead because of you” Her mother appeared in front of her along with everyone who had died. Siany had heard of the attack on her family, that most anyone she had been close to had been killed “what you did made us look weak, made us lose an important ally.”

“I was eight” she yelled back “and it’s not like I chose to be a mage, like I sat up at night asking the maker to make it so I could never be with those I love, that I would be tortured until the thought of saying my own name out loud still brings me pain. I was child, scared and backed into a corner trying to protect my brother” She had never been able to vent her frustration over all this, that she knew from a letter Amwell snuck her that this was how her mother felt “you were my hero, and you abandoned me when I needed you most” Tears now ran down her cheeks

“And how did protecting your brother go?” the image of her mother stepped aside, showing a burning twisted corps like she had seen at the temple. “How safe is he now?”

“I didn’t even want to go to the conclave, I wanted to stay in Redcliff” She dropped to her knees.

“You are a waste, everyone is worse off for you being born, it should have been you that died that day” Her mother sat low whispering in her ear.

“No” Siany looked back at her. “I wish Amwell was still alive, I’m sorry about what happened to our family, but none of it was my fault and I have done and continue to do good things.” She stood on shaking legs and forced herself to walk away.

“That was well done,” Said the Amwell next to her.

She just wiped her eyes and walked out of a door that had appeared.

~~

“The mages are keeping things from me” Cullen surprised Blackwall as he pulled up a chair at the foot of Sianys bed

“I would think as a Templar you would be used to that” Blackwall still hadn’t forgiven that the way they had all reacted to the attack, like none of them cared what happened to her

“Well yes, but this is different, even Vivienne is being quiet, it’s been three days and she’s still not awake” Cullens leaned forward watching Siany slow steady breaths. “The other mages have sent messages to Solas, They think she is stuck in the fade”

Blackwall reached for his sword. “What do you intend to do about it?” He noticed what he was doing, would he really cut down the commander?

“Nothing, We can’t do anything. If this was the circle and her harrowing we would have killed her by now, but I want to believe that the fact she hasn’t turned yet means she is fighting.” He sighed rubbing his neck “and she deserves a chance, she has earned that if not so much more”

“Why are you telling me this?” Blackwall relaxed back into his chair

“You haven’t left her side, and the truth is a spirit healer turned abomination is more dangerous than when any other mage does. I want you to be prepared if she does wake up as something, not herself you will be the first line of defense.” Cullen watched as the information sunk in.

“If that what needs to happen I will, but unless I am sure of it” He watched the Templar for a sign of a fight

“I knew I could trust you” Cullen turned back to watching Siany “I’ve been held by Demons, what they do you, how they play with your mind, Maker watch over her”

~~

The room was back in Haven, it looked like Blackwalls.

“There you are” She knew that voice, it was definitely Blackwall “I wondered when you would come turn in for the night, I missed you” He wrapped his arms around her waist, gently nuzzling into her neck

She leaned back against him taking in his scent, the warmth of his body “this isn’t real” She groaned under her breath

“Why would you say that?” he turned her to face him, cupping her face, worry etched on his face “I know our start was confusing, that the feelings we shared were overwhelming, but we have continued to figure it out together, there is nothing more real to me then how you make me feel” He leaned down pressing his lips to hers. She moaned wrapping her hands around his waist, as his moved into her hair, undoing the braid to let it fall around her face “I always loved your hair down, and I’m one of the only ones that gets to see it” his smile was warm, his eyes bright as he pushed her until she fell on the bed. He came with her, not putting his full weight, but pinning her down. “I could just stay here, like this forever. Just say yes and I will always be yours” He pressed his lips back to her before she could answer.

She kissed back, reveling in finally having him, in how perfect this all felt, but something in the back of her mind made her stop, she pushed him off her.

“I can’t” She pushed again, getting herself to sitting “this isn’t real, you are not real”

“Don’t say that my lady, please” Blackwall took her hand “I love you. I need you to stay here, with me”

“The real Blackwall wouldn’t ask that of me” She stood and pushed towards the door with an approving nod from Amwell, but she couldn’t help but look back one last time, her heartbreaking “this is probably the only time I’ll get this” with that she opened the door and found herself back in the Markham tower

“Hello my pet” Shawn’s voice spread ice through her veins

“I killed you” she whispered

“Maybe, maybe not, be honest Siany, do you honestly think you will ever escape me” He gripped at her waist, squeezing into her skin with his gauntlet hands “I claimed you as mine years ago, and I don’t lose what’s mine”

She pulled herself from his grasp “I’m not doing this. I have worked so hard to try and undo the damage you and those like you have done to me, I’m not letting some demon use it against me” She ran, sure she could hear the sound of him following her as the tower took her through unknown twists and turns “I need a door” She was panicking, could feel him catching up, could hear the demon in her mind I can make it all stop

“Here” Amwell opened one and she tumbled into the light.

Siany couldn’t remember how she ended up back in her bed. all she knew was there had been countless nightmares. Her brother burning at the conclave, her mother screaming at her, the templar that haunted her steps, the demons taking over her mind. She could remember their screams, their dark desperate promises

She could hear the fire crackling in its hearth as a log split. The smell of elfroot and mint wafted through her nose. she opened her eyes. Blackwalls concerned face filled her vision

“Blackwall?” that couldn’t be her voice, cracked and dry

“Maker, you finally came back to me” He pulled her into his arms “I was starting to think you would never waken.”

He smelled of leather and pine wood and cheap soap. She had memorized it on the quiet nights he had joined her at the dock, Her mind was a fog. The last thing she remembered was dying with a sword in her gut, the images of the fights in the fade were already blurring into a bad dream. No, it had to be a trick, making it seem like a dream before to keep her locked in it now.

“I still dream,”she cried “you only ever hold me in my dreams” Siany pulled back taking in his warm eyes, creased with worry “it didn’t fool me the first time, it won’t fool me this time either” this felt different, but maybe that’s how the demon would catch her.

Blackwalls hand ran through her hair

“I do not deserve the honor of being in your dreams, my lady” His thumb traced a gentle line over her cheek, his face moved closer to hers, their lips just a breath apart “Are you sure, my lady, I am what you want?”

She could feel the form of his words on her lips. She gave in “Please” she whispered back. he let out a soft moan in response. 

“Tell me she is ok!?” The Herald burst through the door. Siany jumped bumping her head into Blackwall. 

“You have excellent timing herald she just woke up” Blackwalls voice was deep and dripping with sarcasm, that the Herald completely missed. 

“Am I truly back, this isn’t the fade?” She looked around feeling the scratch of the sheets under her fingers, how everything was real here. And that meant Blackwall had actually almost kissed her.

“Thank the maker” Javier pushed passed Blackwall and wrapped her in a hug

She rubbed her head with the palm of her hand

“Herald, I didn’t know you cared so much” he had let go of her and was looking at her eyes wide and hurt.

“I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I know I can be difficult to deal with but you were here in the beginning. I trust you and the idea that you are not safe while with the inquisition it… I’m sorry.”

She hadn’t realized that he felt that way, he hadn’t even known her name. The man sitting here now was not the same boy that had fallen from breach

she felt horrible “It’s me that owes you the apology. “ 

“What have you ever done to me?” he scratched the back of his head

“For so long I was mad at you. My brother died at the conclave and you honestly remind me of him and…” he stopped her

“and you were mad that he died and I lived” She hadn’t expected him to smile “I wonder all the time why me, there had to be better people there than me. My sister died at the Conclave “

“I had no idea. I’m so sorry” they sat together for a moment “What was her name?”

“Agueda, she was a sister. She loved people took care of everyone. My entire family is so stuck up except for her. She had the most beautiful brown eyes I can sometimes still see them. I imagine her cheering me on. She was the only one who really had any faith in me. Even when I didn’t deserve it” Siany had seen the Herald look confused, angry, hurt, but never broken. He sniffed and rubbed his eyes “Tell me about your brother

“Anwell was a child at heart, always smiling and laughing. he thought everything could be solved with a positive attitude and hard work. He believed strongly in right and wrong. I don’t think he was capable of seeing grey. “ she could almost see him

They sat together in silence for a bit, both lost in the memories of those lost. She looked shook herself from it first, seeing the Herald looking lost and sad.

“You saved the mages” she placed a hand on his

“”We did” The Herald pulled her into another hug “Focus on getting better then you can come with me to close the breach.” 

“I will” she hugged him back. He stood and nodded to Blackwall before leaving them alone

“Is there any water?” She asked

“Yes, and some broth if you want it as well.” Blackwall poured her a glass, passing it to her.

“Thank you.” the cool water felt good on her sore throat. “How long was out?”

“Five days” Blackwall sat back next to her “Everyone was starting to get very worried”

“And the hero here never left your side” Varric had walked in with Solas behind him “we heard you were awake thought we would come see for ourselves”

“You did a good job in the fade, escaping that despairs grasp as you did” Solas smiled at her. “I’m sorry I could not get to you to help.”

“I honestly would not have believed it was you anyway” She smiled back as she sipped her water.

“The Templar that attacked me, and the girls?” she looked back to Blackwall

“The girls are fine, shaken but fine, and the Templar is dead” Solas answered her.

“After he ran you though you froze his head, it was a nasty site” Varric muttered “the young elf came back to the tavern, Blackwall found you first”

She reached out and took his hand

“Well, we just wanted to say we are glad you are ok” Varric stood with Solas. “Look forward to having back at breakfast kid”

She smiled at both of them as they left. “You really stayed here, the entire time?” her eyes locked onto his

“Seeing you like that. I thought you were lost to me” he pressed his forehead to hers cupping her face in his hand “this can’t happen” He leaned back from her

“I’m sorry, I thought you…” she failed at holding back tears

“No, it’s not you. You have read it right” He reached out to pull her into his arms but stopped “I care for you, more than I should. You deserve so much more than an old broken man. I’m no good for you Siany and will only hurt you in the end” He stood to leave

“You are hurting me now” she whispered

“I know, and I’m sorry. I want to… I wish. You deserve better” He kept his back to her. Walking away was killing him.

“That should be my choice”

His lips turned up slightly. She had grown so much already. If he had done this sooner she probably wouldn’t have fought for herself. “You may be right in that, but I have a choice too, and my conscience tells me I need to walk away before I do more damage”

“What does your heart say?” She had reached for him, he felt her soft hand and grab hold of his as he sucked in a breath.

“Please don’t do this” he shook her hand free and left her sitting in her room.

“I’m not the one doing anything” She yelled at his back as he got to the door.

He could hear the tears in her voice. He stopped then with a heavy sigh pushed out the door, leaving her alone I should have done that weeks ago before it got to this point before it was almost too far to turn back. I don’t deserve her affections. She will come to see that in time, thank me for setting her free from me.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone that took the time to read this. I recently got back into writing and posting this was and is difficult. I hope you found it enjoyable. :)


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